So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
