dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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