why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
