I just threw up on my dentist
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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