end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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