Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
