3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
