When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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