Jerry, you need to find god
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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