I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
