I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
my nose is crying tears of wow.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
