Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
