I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
