there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The Olympian is in my bed
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