dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
