Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
