I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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