my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
