I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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