It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
