well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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