I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
