dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
