Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i came on her dog
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
