Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
