Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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