If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
