Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So many bounce houses so little time
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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