If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
