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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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