I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just blew my weed a kiss
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
