I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
