i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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