TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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