Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
