My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
