is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Randomize
