Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
