there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
