The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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