My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
