i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
