Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
