Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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