I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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