Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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