I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
