So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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