my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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