So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
