My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
