I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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