my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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